How does attachment theory apply to my relationships?

Attachment theory is an advanced relationship science drawing on evolution, psychology, and ethology. John Bowlby, who formulated the theory, suggested that our attachment behaviour is linked to evolutionary survival strategies for protecting an infant from predators. You are the only version of yourself, but attachment systems are inherent in all of us. Furthermore, humans are programmed to seek safe emotional connection. Conflict in relationships often arises due to a fear of rejection and abandonment.

Our own attachment style will influence how we deal with conflict in relationship. Bowlby proposed there to be four main attachment styles: secure, anxious/ambivalent, avoidant/dismissive, and disorganised. Someone with an anxious attachment style might react to conflict by using protest behaviour to get their partners attention. If however the person has an avoidant attachment they may close down emotionally and take on an air of defensiveness and independence. Whilst both people are seeking not to be rejected, these types of reactions can amplify their struggles, thus a cyclical loop of push/pull happens and entering a discussion can feel like a trap.

Attaching to our primary caregiver links to the soothing and contentment system and lays down memories that we draw upon as we get older.  There is certainly no perfect way of parenting but if you had a parent who was unavailable emotionally, abusive, highly anxious or all the above it will have likely impacted on how you are in relationship with others. For those who may have experienced warmth and love one minute but coldness and abuse the next, their soothing and contentment system will store these memories, thus making it tricky to navigate relationships in later life.

As can often be the case with any kind of self-discovery, it can feel tough reflecting on our past. It is important to hold our experience with compassion; none of us chose to be born into our families of origin, much like the tree outside